Weeping Over Spilled Wee-Wee

Apparently, one of my co-workers
got into a pissing contest with herself in the bathroom stall
and lost.

If only she had mopped the floor with herself.

Don’t Sh!t on My Black Suede Shoes

Apparently, one of my co-workers
erupted in the bathroom stall,
her brown lava flowing freely
to the floor in the ladies room,
lying in wait to defile
the soles of my brand new
black suede slip-on pro Vans.

Gross Encounters of the Terd Kind

How does a grown woman
get poop on the outside of the toilet bowl
and smear her own feces on the washroom floor at work
and leave it?

(Dear Co-worker)

Dear Co-Worker:
If you're picking your nose behind your clear glass office door,
I can still see you.

(Dear Co-worker)

Dear Co-worker:
"Soft" whistling still counts as whistling
in our privacy-free office.

(The loudest ones)

The loudest ones
in the office are often
the loneliest ones.

They Say That a Little Mystery Is Sexy

We know exactly
what you think and feel
about
every
little
thing
because you tell us --
unsolicited --
every
single
day,
all
day
long.

That is the one reason
I believe "sex"
belongs in the office.

(A splash of water)

A splash of water
does not a clean hand make, dear
lady of the john.

My Ears Are Bleeding

People who live alone --
or lack a healthy, romantic relationship --
often evolve into
filter-free social terrorists.
They have no one with whom
to share their innermost --
or most trivial -- musings,
so they hold folks hostage
by bombarding and blathering on,
sharing observations and opinions
not meant for public consumption.
They drop verbal bombshells,
sending aural shrapnel
into the ears of their victims
and operate as if they have no reason
to reserve these comments and concerns
or to relegate them to someone
who cares.

Polished and Professional

He
wakes up, showers, shaves, dresses, combs his hair, goes to work,
and is considered a polished, professional man.

If I
wake up, shower, shave, dress, comb my hair, and go to work,
I am considered an unpolished, unprofessional woman.

Office Motor Mouths

I have a co-worker who literally
eats in her cubicle all day long --
course after course,
odor after odor,
lip smack after lip smack.

I have another co-worker who literally
talks to everyone in sight all day long,
cornering and capturing his victims
in verbal spider webs
without restraint; without mercy.

Oh, that the eater
would share her food
with the talker.

Eating on the Job

I am well aware that we fuel our bodies with food.
We all do it.
But there's something annoying about the people
who eat all day long on the job.
I know you've got to eat,
but I don't want to hear every
crinkle of every potato chip bag,
every crunch of every blasted chip,
every burp of every Tupperware container,
every scrape of every spoon in your bloody Rubbermaid.

I don't want to hear every slurp
of every sip of your coffee, then tea, then coffee, then tea.
I don't want to smell every whiff
of your canned peas marinating in the microwave.

I don't mind witnessing the afternoon snack
or occasional meal at your desk.
I'm simply sick of being subject to your
eight-course meals all the live long work day.

Ladies’ Man

A man who champions women
is more "man"
than any macho man
or boardroom bully.

Such a man is
strong and confident
in his manhood,
not fearful and insecure
about his place in the world.

With gratitude to Robert McCurley for the perfect title

(Bumped from the bustling break room)

Bumped from the bustling break room / and relegated to the restroom, I wash my coffee mug in the bathroom sink / as my co-worker soils her toilet bowl.

(It sounds like his throat)

It sounds like his throat
is filled with gravy.
Instinctively, I coughed in sympathy.

(He filled the foyer)

He filled the foyer
with a fart and turned his back
to me and his funk.

(It sounds like he has)

It sounds like he has
gravy in his throat, like a goat
swimming in a moat.

(A grown woman missed)

A grown woman missed
the toilet at work, pissed on
the floor and left it.

Reverse Vampires

Some people who live alone
act like reverse vampires.
They suck the bloody life
out of their co-workers by day --
demanding and commanding the attention of their colleagues,
holding court by holding folks hostage,
unloading their every thought and question and concern on people
like a dump truck possessed of the devil --
and retreat to their solitary homes alone at night,
lying in wait for the sun to come up again
and provide them with fresh blood
to live another day.

(The courtesy flush)

The courtesy flush
acts as an air savior with
bidet behavior.