Even Though

Even though my mother is homophobic,

I still appreciate the fact that I

inherited her artistic, do-it-yourself ingenuity.

 

Even though my father is homophobic,

I am still thankful that I

inherited his gregarious professionalism and social skills. 

 

Even though my parents think

I'm going to hell and breaking their hearts,

that my being queer causes people --

and appliances -- to literally die, and that I 

and anyone like me are ruining the country,

I am still grateful that I

grew up feeling safe and loved as a child. 

 

Even though it is no longer safe for me to

spend time with my parents,

and I grieve the fact that they think I am evil,

and I wish they they would love me

for being the tender, compassionate, brave person

I have become,

I still feel fortunate that they

made me who I am today.

 

I am confident and soft and bold and kind and caring

and queer

even though

they are not.

And Yet

You broke my heart,

abandoned me,

and ended our family

and yet

I still miss you.

You Chose

You were my best friend

and partner for 16 years.

We made vows,

and built a life and

a family together.

And yet, you chose

to end our marriage,

leaving me no choice 

at all.

I Miss Your Scent

I've taken to smelling your shirts

while you are at work,

knowing that they

will not be in our house

for much longer.

(My heart feels like it)

My heart feels like it

has been hollowed out by a 

steely ice cream scoop.

(My heart feels like a)

My heart feels like a 

cavernous chamber housing

only broken glass.

(You're like a rabid)

You're like a rabid

porcupine -- impossible

to safely engage.

In the Company of Angels

I keep the photo in a box,

the box that my grandmother

gave me one Christmas,

the box that holds a single

glass angel ornament with golden trim.

I tuck the picture

underneath the angel

for safe keeping.

The photograph captures

the Christmas that you

spent with us 18 years ago

in Nashville.

This is the first Christmas

that Grand is no longer with us,

and the first Christmas 

that the two of you,

complete strangers,

will somehow keep each other

company.

Ginger Ale at Grandma’s

When I drink ginger ale,

I think of my grandmother,

who always had ginger ale,

White Zinfandel and leftovers

in the fridge at her house --

the house with the 

bamboo in the backyard

and the pool table in the basement,

the house with the fireplace

and long reach matches in the living room,

and the bedrooms that my father and uncles

grew up in upstairs.

When I drink ginger ale,

I remember her contagious cackle

and raise my glass to Grand.

(a fine Sunday morning flapjack breakfast)

a fine Sunday morning flapjack breakfast

including one, petite pancake

for the pup

(Sometimes the best way)

Sometimes the best way

to love your family is

to steer clear of them.

(walking by myself today)

walking by myself today
remembering all the walks
we took together

(My spouse fills our house)

My spouse fills our house
with the scents and sounds of home --
homemade sourdough bread and Tina Turner tunes.

(Marriage is)

Marriage is
telling each other
what to do with our sores.

Co-written by Rebecca Davenport

Thieves of the Temple

My afternoon walk
was interrupted by
a vicious scene --
two black turkey vultures,
two agents of death,
two dark figures
hunched and hovering over
an innocent squirrel
in the middle of the road,
devouring every bit of life,
shredding every fiber of flesh,
mutilating every scrap of dignity,
annihilating every piece of providence,
poking and prying and picking and
pecking and plucking and probing
until the body was nothing but a hollow carcass,
just like my parents do to me.

(In my mind, you will)

In my mind, you will
always be 45, strong,
capable and kind.

(The scent of your perfume)

The scent of your perfume
lingered on my shirt
long after we said goodbye.

(I see hints of my)

I see hints of my
grandfather's hand in my own
shadow this morning.

Once

What do you do
when you spend
YOUR WHOLE LIFE
trying to
please your father,
make your mother proud,
be a supportive, protective, generous sibling,
serve as a kind, loving, thoughtful grandchild,
operate as a steadfast, reliable, dependable friend,
achieve the status of "gold standard" as a
model citizen, good person, shining star, and friend to all,
put everyone ELSE before yourself,
do unto others as you would have them do unto you,
and FORSAKE YOURSELF
in order to make everyone ELSE
feel good about you,

but you're still not "good enough"?

What do you do when you've given
YOUR WHOLE LIFE
over to other people to
critique, disapprove, discount,
gossip, slander, discriminate, and

DECIMATE

but, like vampires, they are never satisfied?

Your blood sacrifice is never enough.

What if -- after nearly 40 years of sacrificing
YOUR LIFE on the altar of THEIR approval (or lack thereof) --
you decide to remove yourself from their altar,
WALK AWAY
and begin to learn how to live
the life that was given to YOU
to live
once?

(Golden:)

Golden:
A grandmother's love,
like the arms of the sun